But You…

I love you…
So bad that it hurts,
So much that it pains me when you look at me that way,
So hard that my heart gets ripped away,
And all that is left of me is my immortal Soul.

But Oh! How invisible I am to you.
Everyone can see what your smile does to me but you,
How your laugh makes me feel-
How your words make me think.

But steep in misery I am with you,
I despise the way he looks at you,
I hate it when you look at him that way,
With your docile heart in those soft
Brown eyes of yours.

It makes me think…
What is there in him you see,
That you do not see in me,
And if you were to tell me…
Maybe, just-maybe…
I could make you love me.


There is a wound in my head,
Though the skin is not broken.
I’m choking on a knife stuck in my throat,
There is blood gathering there,
My mouth is gaping…open.

The blood, it is sticky…
Hot. Then cold.
My blouse, it’s all red and bleary-
I loathe it-how it smells!
I’m crying now, though I’m not shedding tears.
Though you may only hear silence,
There is a ceaseless grinding in my ears

It could be so much easier to go to sleep,
Not wake up-ever.
To let the silence overpower this maddening pain.
To never have to not cry again.

But my soul would not let me,
Pride, propriety, honour they all pervade in me
Still they are no comfort to me
For your eyes only
I am still bleeding from the heart.


They are all around me.
Dark. Mysterious. Menacing…
Watch out! Don’t come close to me,
They will hurt you.

They are cunning,
They are sharp,
No, do not be frightened,
They enjoy your fear.
It excites them.

Though it is impossible,
Is it not?
To not be afraid,
To not be scared,
To not be aware of them,
Ignoring them,
Day after day,
And how they love to toy with you in sanctified slumber.

You’ve got to fight the fear,
Fight the weird looks that strangers greet you with,
Fight the unnerving whispers behind your back
Fight the stares, the glances, the dispassionate glares.

Do not conscientiously look over your shoulder,
It is what they want you to do,
And if you do they will win,


Curse the carnage, bloody deeds,
Of him who hath heaven peeved,
Pick him clean of all ills,
Set a fire to them,
Glorious kill!

Watch them burn,
Watch them scorn,
All red earth, now reborn.
Skin dirt black ash,
Tinged with regret,
Cleared salver, Not buried yet.

Back and forth,
A tug of war taken to extremes,
Fear of the Almighty sword.
Either rich or poor, take heed,
Or you’re dead, and dead, and dead again,


Lost forever are the words.
Yet I no longer yearn to grieve for you
The tears come anyway
Pleading for my sanity
Acceptance awaits me still
Ever forlorn am I –
Haunted by Furies of my heart.
Longing. Lustful. For that forever peaceful place,
Encompassed by the blackened sea of time.
That sickens me to death and hell;
But holds me back no further
Thank my minds eye.


Dear Lord Jesus,
Are you out there today?
Are you there waiting for me.
Upon this Christmas Day?

With your lantern and your shining star,
Will you guide me through?
To the place of Holy Saints,
And the smell of poppy dew.

Oh! Would Santa be there waiting for me,
With gifts upon his slay,
Please, can he take me for a ride?
On my last day

I’d love to see the world once more
For one last time
If only to wish it a joyous Christmas
At this happy time.

Will Granny be waiting for me there?
I’d love to hear her sing,
How I missed the sweet ‘lull’ of her voice,
As she put me to sleep on this precious, precious day.

Can she kiss me on my cheek?
Like she used to do?
And make heaven a place,
Where death never grew.


Each movement an emotional drain on the senses.
Each touch a tempest storm,
Moments tick away, by the by,
Like the essence of a hurricane wind,
We forge closer, and closer still,
Though the heart is hesitant
Has lost its will,
Hoping to find the truth and the way,
Something that will give me a reason-to stay.


There are eyes everywhere,
Watching-waiting-spying on me,
Paws grappling. Waiting to pounce,
Claws maliciously digging into my back.
Vicious, on the attack.
Red scars dragged downwards
Jagged edged, like those of a hideous leopard.
The air upon my back like hot tears.
That suddenly run cold
Open flesh scattered everywhere
Piercing pain, heartfelt and strong
I turn around,
Still, there is no one there.


Ambush of the heart,
By an unknown Soul Traitor
Bludgeoned cadaver,
Ricocheted heart,
Alive. Feel its heart. Beating.

Steadfast. Weak.
Pain is mounting,
Quickly, it thrives,
The heart is besieged by,
Tumultuous lies.

This beckons the Traitor,
Revelling in the heart’s agony,
Cries out towards the end,
Weak from fighting,
The Traitor-demanding,
Seeking entry,
Derails your forces.

Victorious Traitor,
Heart impaled upon his spear,
Jubilant. Justice won.
Freedom to the heart who once suffered dearly,
Freedom to love.


I should know you by now,
All your devilish mannerisms,
A means of snaking y our way into my bosom.
You spoil my heart for other men.

Your clairvoyance is uncanny,
Bordering on rude.
You know me so well-
You amiable lizard.

Don’t you have something better to do,
Than to paradiagnose me
For the better part
Of twenty-five hours a day.

You say one thing,
Mean another,
Then do something else completely different to that,

Who do you think I am?
One of your patients?
I know what you are.
You are a thinking cube.
The second I think I have figured you out
You change colours on me again.

You own my heart,
Must you now control my mind.
Why do you even bother with me?
If you are so precognitive,
Go rule the world,
Leave me alone.


What is that bustle I hear?
Why! It is the leaves prancing on the air,
Oh! What merriment they must feel,
Dancing boisterously, so care free.

As they gather in spirals then retire on the terrace wire,
Charring their edges, distorting their fetish desires,
But how unmoved they seem to be by this fate,
As more find devilment in their wicked wake.

Caste are they forever bound,
In this loose bravado of a lover’s wound,
In an illusory world,
Where one can find merriment,
On a gusty, cold and clourless day.

Where there is nothing but wild and happy abandon,
For all the eternal stage.

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